maritp

anyone ever had an experience in losing their car keys?
what did you do?
where did you go?

ok, I can think much clearer today.
Yesterday, the after-math from Friday. well it was rather amusing. Bed was good, bed was my precious. but I needed to get up and go and find my car and my tennis stuff.
Kadri drove me to my car. both having an hangover. but dammit that woman can be such a positive person that she made me feel even more misserable. full of laughter and smiles and headaches... while I was just trying to get myself together while sitting in her car. "can do can do. breathe in breathe out" during that all the "fond" memories came back what I did last night. drinking, laughing at the wrong door because the door was funny (?!), playing tennis and managing to hit the ball twice out of.. umm.. 10 times?, trying to regain control over myself which resulted me running to the toilet to sleep xD at one point the wall tiles from the toilet seemed so friendly so I just stared at them. I remember them having dark-grey stuff between the tiles. don't ask...

so anyway got my car, and met up with Heigo who took our tennis stuff with him after the match ended. That guy amazes me again and again. the stories I heard from Kadri about what they did after I left for home. Obviously they drank a lot. Kadri had an hangover, Kati had an hangover.. let's not talk about me... and there comes Heigo. full of smiles and: "I'm going out today again!!" ...eksefdhlkj... I need more drinking experience. more more. so that I can one day go to him after an aweful night when HE is having an hangover and then I'm smiling and saying that I'm going out again tonight.

anyway after me in the city I came back home, slept a lot which resulted me later being up till 2am watching kdrama "Snow Queen". I can't believe I actually watched it. it's kinda bad drama. I can't believe I have it. but I needed something that would make me sit on my couch and won't make me move around. couch was good. staring at something was good too. yey I'm alive!! xD

sellised hetked nagu täna panevad mind järjekordselt küsima, kes ma selline ikkagi olen.

hommikul ärgates tahtsin pea liiva alla matta. oma kolm tundi pärast seda vähklesin voodis pool unes endale samas proovides selgeks teha, et kõik on ok, selline elu ongi. nii kogemusi saadaksegi. järgmine kord olen targem, järgmine kord ehk jõuan ka linna inimestega.

tekiila on üks kuradima salakaval asi. mitte midagi ei tunne alguses and when it finally kicks in it kicks in alright.
tennise platsil olin ma täiesti kasutu järsku.
millalgi kusagil kunagi ma vist magasin. äratus tuli, kui keegi tualeti uksele koputas, et hallo, kõik ok?
taksojuhil oli ka lõbus mind koju sõidutada. ka taksos magasin ma vist. silmad lahti. taksojuhil oli nalja palju, mingi hetk ta lausa naeris. ma absull ei mäleta mida ma tegin, et ta nii südamest kohe naerma puhkes.
naabritele olin ka tõenäoliselt omaette vaatamisväärsus, kui ma kodutrepi ees lihtsalt seisin ja ennast kokku võtta üritasin, et trepist ilusasti ikka üles saada...
täitsa lõpp mis õhtu...

Today's dream was a trip back to my past. Yet I wasn't in my past, the past came to me.

I guess it all started when I thought about my horse yesterday evening. all the memories that rushed into my head. so actually my dream today ended with him.

but before that I saw Märten in my dreams. I remember being reluctant to let him inside my world at first, but when he started to change to the person I actually always thought he is, I gave in. I thought why not to give it another go. perhaps now it's going to work. and then I realized it's stupid. I made my decision based on his appearance and one tiny sentence. the feeling that he needed me pushed me away from him. it scared me. I wanted out...

And then suddenly I was at my grandma's. We had a lot of people there. seemed to be some kind of a gathering. My sis was there. She was riding her favourite horse Aama. Lost control over her and jumped over fences. I panicked and ran to help my sis. Once I got to her she said everything is under control and she doesn't need my help. I knew how I can help her and it felt bloody good and then when she said she didn't need my help I was dissapointed.

and then I was suddenly in the field behind my grandma's house where our horses used to be. There were so many horses in there. It's a big field to be honest. I remember running after every single brown horse and saying out loud: "Iidol? Iidol!... IIDOL!!!"
I remember in the beginning a brown and really sickly skinny horse passed me. He was so old, so skeleton-ish. and he had the scratch on his face that Iidol used to have. I refused to believe it was my super muscular and energetic horse. I began to look for my horse. He had to be there!!
I was afraid I couldn't recognise my old love. so I started to search for the special white sock he had.
Every single brown horse. And then I gave up there were too many of them. no one came to me. Iidol used to come over to me all the time when he saw me. Even if he was out there with other horses I'm no one to him anymore. He doesn't care.

But I wanted to horsebackride. So I decided to take my sis's horse. Not the one she was riding in my dream. another one. I found Täht. She had a foul with her. and she came with me without anything holding her to me. she came willingly with me. and then after we were quite far away from other horses I realized it wasn't Täht. It was someone else. exactly the same colour as Täht, but a male. A totally unknown horse and he was following me out of curriousity. I remember panicking that he will leave soon when his curriousity has been satisfied. So I started to lead him further away with something. at first I thought it's bread, later realized it was a eye-pencil for make up.

and then my dream ended.


---------------------------------

the dream had so many unsolved fears, dissapointments and hopes in.

first Märten and how I always hoped he will be. never saw this side of him though. I remember talking about this with him once. "it's just an illusion!" he said. I want him to be someone he is not.
I refuse to believe that. I saw how he can be if only he would let go of his troubles. Easier said than done I know. And I took the wrong road to try to help him. It only made things worse. But I never believed it was an illusion. I knew and still know that he can be the person I saw him to be. Illusion?

then suddenly my decison making. The rush decision making I always do when love-life is considered. I always think "Hell why not, it might work. You never know when you can't try right?" yet somewhere inside of me I know it's not going to work. but I'm trying to hold on to the tiny hope. "Perhaps it will work? perhaps it will?". It's the feeling that smashes me. I'm trying to give the relationship a hope, yet inside I know it's meant to be doomed. hence why I'm really trying to pull back right now. Once I'm 100% sure a relationship can work I'll give it a try. I can't go through this anymore. it's painful to both, me and my partner.

and then the feeling that someone needed me. I was scared. I'm not strong enough to give someone full support. I'm still struggling with my own demons. You can't possible be there for someone when your world is upside down and you are fighting with yourself every single day. I'm not strong enough. I'm a weak person, please don't expect me to be the pillar to lean on.
.. it's a mixture of fear and a mixture of trying to give all the responsibilities away. I'm alone, I'm a weakling, I'm not the perfect person to lean on...


and then there are times when I want people to lean on. Like in my dream when I ran to help my sister. I knew exactly how I could help her. It felt so good. I can be useful to someone!! and she just said she doesn't need my help. I was cut out...
firstly the thought of knowing how to help and no-one wanting this help
secondly it was my own sister who refused my help.
and thirdly it all comes to the point where she has a family now. loving boyfriend and a tiny baby. I used to be with my sis and her boyfiend every single summer. having fun, being on the beach, playing computer games together, having party together. getting drunk with my sis is really an awesome feeling. The thing is they always cared about me. I felt I was welcomed to their tiny 2-member family. now that the baby is born it's natural that I'm not so welcomed anymore to their tiny community. They have their own life now I can't butt in anymore. I need to finally establish my own life. Find a freaking job, keep good friend-relationships with people who have nothing to do with my sis and her boyfriend. Living my own life basically.


and then Iidol... my best friend for many years.
you can read from the dream about fears, regrets, hopes and dissapointment. I'm not going to analyse it.

--------------------------------

in another news. will be having a 2-hour tennis match today with teqila. and later to the city with Kadri and Kati. Can't wait till the clock hits 9 o'clock in the evening. I'm sure we will have a lot of fun! is it 9 o'clock already?

new pictures at http://jabway525.blogspot.com

winter greetings
muffins
sleeping baby
and my darlings

I know it's an old song. And actually I don't like the song, but I do like the story in the music video


besides, they have filmed it inside CIRCLE. like THE club. I loved the club. The white trees and moving seats. One day I shall visit this club again. that's a promise.

-----------------

other than that. had a muffin party yesterday.
It was so much fun. I haven't had such a great time in home for ages now. Thank you girls for coming and making this possible. making the atmosphere so relaxed. and hell yeah, I got rid of most of my soju and a lot of eggnog (CHEERS LIISA!!!)

Played the game "guess who".. I was Kyuho, Queen Elisabeth II, Lenna Kuurmaa and Bugs Bunny.. The last one was so hard to bite through.. "Am I a god? Am I a mythical creature? DO I HAVE A PASSPORT?!"

am happy as a bee! =)=)

Hello there fellow muffin-ers.

Ready for tomorrow?
I'm not, but I'm working on it. the apartment is a mess and there is only muffiningredients in my fridge.
Wanted to ask about the drinks. from me you can get tea, coffee, water. Anything special I should go look for? or are you coming with your own booze?

Can't wait to see you all tomorrow =) I'm sure we will have great time =)
Kui on midagi, mida te näidata või kuulata tahate võtke kaasa. kui on midagi erilist, mida te teha tahate andke teada, siis saan veel valmistuda selleks.
Homne plaan on üldiselt väga vaba. teeme/sööme muffineid ja naudime õhtut =)

nagu aru saan tulete 4-5 vahepeal. Olen uksel valmis kuuma teega! (või on kellelgi kohvi isu? ma ei ole just kõige parem presskohvi tegija, aga võin üritada)

cheers
-Marit-

I really wish to be in South-Korea right now. Me and unknown people. yummy...

this post is coming in mixed languages however the thoughts feel to me to be more comfortable.

Ever felt the strong need and joy of wanting to do something particular?
I feel that I need to write down everything my over-working brain is thinking right now. It might be that only then I'm ok tomorrow. Hoidku jumal, kui ma peaksin homme ka sama katki olema, siis on asi päris kaugele juba läinud ja ma peaksin tõsiselt mõtlema mõne psühhiaatriaga ühendust võtmisele.
This is not a desparate call: HELP ME!! It's me trying to write it all down. This is me WANTING to do this. It's similar with the rush-feeling of wanting to play x-box or wanting to sing, or read something. or cook...
above this I need to find a fast solution to my problem. it is not normal, it is definitely not who I want to be. it's total opposite. It's someone who I do not want to be at any cost...
Following is 100% me with the mixture of Massandra's Muskat rose wine.

* I'm getting more skilled in hiding my feelings. The hardest is it with my mom, since moms know always when something troubles their child. Even when you make happy voice they see it in your eyes or your posture, or just have a gut-feeling. I surprised myself when I came out of my old home. I felt like a shit. It was right after I wrote the last post. Why I surprised myself is that I managed to talk and say goodbye to my mom and her husband with really formal yet friendly voice. Ema: "Näed sa ikka siin pimedas midagi?" mina: "aga muidugi, pole mingit probleemi" ... "Paned sa ise ukse kinni või panen mina?" ema: "Ma panen!" mina: "ok, aga siis tšau. näeme/räägime." ema: "Head aega" Aap: "No nägemist!" I most likely fooled my mom, since I didn't have any eye-contact. She just heard me since she was eating. Would she have seen my eyes she would have understood that something was off. But since she only heard my voice. My voice was so calm, strong, like nothing has happened. I really surprised myself. Am I really able to put on a voice-face so strongly? If I continue like that and keep on hiding my feelings I'm afraid of the result. Does this mean that sooner or later I will end up home alone and the only one/only thing who understands that something is off is the wine bottle? Everyone else thinks that all is good, peachy and I'm totally ok. ... would this mean that I want people to see that I'm out of place when I'm out of place?

* I guess something in me really does want that. Like in my previous post - somehow in my subconciousness I want the mood to last, I'm hoping someone will save me and get me out of this crap. When finishing my last post I started to look at my phone. Why doesn't someone call? why doesn't Heigo give me any feedback on the text message? Why doesn't Kadri call? I need to communicate. I need someone with whom I can communicate and lean on. someone who will bring be out of this shit. Yet it's logical that no-one calls. well hello... Heigo just deleted the message right after I sent it to him most likely. Why the hell should he need an apology, why the hell should he answer? It was just a girl with bad mood and now making him one part of her moodswings. Why should he care?.. and why should Kadri call? she knew something was off. I even told her here and there why I acted like I did... She will just read this here when she wants some answers. Why should she call me? and everyone else? well.. no-one calls me anyway unless they have serious business with me. since that's how I am. I'm no good in small-talk, so people don't call me since they know I can't small-talk back.
In all of this thinking I do not realize that that someone who can help me can only be me. I can not lean on anyone else. It's only me who can get myself out of this shit. Yet I'm waiting. Hoping. in subconciousness screaming: "someone, help!!"

* I guess all my life there has been someone who helps me. My mom, dad, sis, friends. I never do something on my own. At least that's how I feel. There are like only 10 things in my life (kui sedagi), that I have done 100% on my own. everything else is always with the help of someone. I'm feeling like a princess. I always have felt like that. The first time I said it out loud was when I talked about this with Heigo. Ma rääkisin, kuidas ma pole elus mitte tundigi ametlikult töötanud. Ometigi on mul keskklassi auto ja tõenäoliselt ka tiba kõrgem kui keskklassi korter. Kõik oma ema tõttu, kuna ta soovis, et ma astun ellu ilma laenudeta. Oleksin ma ise endale korteri ostnud oleksin pidanud laenu võtma. sama ka autoga. And then after saying it out loud I suddenly realized how true it all is. Before saying it out loud I never thought it through. I just thought it's natural and made fun of other princesses who lived just like me, not even realizing I'm actually making fun of myself...
I'm well off. And because I have gotten most of it for free because of my mom I respect everyone who have had to go through harsh things to get to this point where I am already. I know there are people who envy me. Don't. Trust me you are much luckier than me, because you have had to do it all on your own. I was given a silver spoon and I took it without any effort... and now I'm living here with this silver spoon and just spending money my mom gives me every month, since I don't have a work and hence you can call me a leech...

* There is only one person who I know who has also gotten the silver spoon full of money and has made it work. She got a job, she worked herself up, made career, now has 2 adorable children and awesome husband, not even being 30 yet. She has everything one can wish for. She grew up in a wealthy family and she made it work so that she is 100% independant now and really successful. I respect her so much. Sadly I don't get along with her. She has everything one can wish for. But it has it's own flaws. Since she knows her value, she knows how great she is, so she often acts superior to you. When you talk with her you have to be on your guard because suddenly she might bite you. It's her way of showing that she is THE person in the group. you have nothing against her. I wish I would know her better. But sadly she is just a person with a name and a face. Although I have lived together with her over 6 years at least and later see her at least once a month in my old home. She's a stranger...

* why I talked about her was because of how much I respect her. Yes yes, I told it already. but WHY I respect her? Because I was given almost the same opportunities when I left home as she was, but I have gone the opposite road as she has. we both got an apartment and a car, our schoolfees were paied by our parent. But she made it work. She took the right subject to learn, she went to work already before ending her university, she made career, she found the perfect husband, she has 2 awesome children, she is good in tennis...
But where am I? I made the wrong choice in picking asian studies to learn. Or I would have learned harder so that I would have made it work in the future with languages and stuff, but I didn't and now am studing completely different subject with the hopes that this time it will work... I still don't have a job. I have never worked in my life and the more time goes by the more I'm afraid of working.
I have only had 3 boyfriends in my life. all 3 people were not the ones I would hope for as a long lasting boyfriend.

* Why am I writing this all down? why am I so open? why am I planning on putting this post as public so everyone can read?
The answer to the first question I already gave right in the beginning of this post. I'm writing this all down because I want to be normal again tomorrow. Hopefully writing all that comes to my mind today helps a lot. Why am I so open? Because I feel I don't have anything to hide. I'm like an open book to everyone. Besides I know that there are only couple of people who actually are willing to read my post entirely through. The reason for the ones who don't read it isn't because it's mine. It's because it's "again the same old "me vs world" theme that I can read from every single friend's blog time to time. I'm tired ot this. Give me something that isn't so deep. I need shallow "Let's have a MUFFIN-PARTY!!" theme..."
Why am I planning on putting this post as public so everyone can see? I know there is at least one person who is reading it as anonymous (Hi, Kadri!!). And like I said I have absolutely nothing to hide anymore. Couple of weeks ago I would have started to delete or make some posts as "private". Now I won't. I still have a lot of posts as "private", but I don't know if I will unlock them or not. I'm still thinking about it. If I make them public then it means tomorrow when I'm sober I have to be still in the same conclusion as today - it's ok to make them public. I do not have to be afraid. I can not be ashamed. It's my life. Take it or leave it. Better take it. Take it as my process of growing up. When I have written something negative please take it as moment-emotion. It isn't how I feel every single day. See oli lihtsalt äkkemotsioon ... issand eesti keeles on nii imelik järsku kirjutada... I hope you understand me and when it's needed, forgive me... If you don't forgive me, then I apologise. I guess everything is meant to happen like they do. I'm not going to hide anything anymore...

* Apologizing is another thing. I'm saying "sorry" and "thank you" too much. Too much and often in totally wrong situation...
yesterday in the tennis tournament I started to realize I'm saying "sorry" or "cheers" too many times to my partner. Most likely Mart (I really really hope it was his rightful name now) felt awkward that I said "thanks" or "sorry" so many times. why oh why do I have to apologize. He even said it. "why say sorry? don't be sorry. It happens" when I made a failure and we lost a point or two.
Yet this is how I am. Kui ma tunnen ennast allpool seisvana siis ma hakkan tihti vabandama ja tänama. Ise tunnen ka kui jabur see on, kuid ma ei saa pidama.
Nagu siis, kui ma Märteniga koos olin. Vahel ma vabandasin kohtades kus polnud vaja vabandada. Vahel tänasin kohtades, kus vastuseks sain väga imestunud pilgu: "Miks sa tänad?!" Kuid vahel on mul tunne, et ma pean seda tegema. Mis siis kui ma tean, et teine inimene suudaks ainult vastuseks VÄGA imestunud pilgu anda. (tihti on see seotud sellega, mida ma tunnen. a'la kui ma pean kuhugi ootamatult tõttama kuigi mul on inimesega midagi plaanis, siis selgitan talle, et ma pean mujale minema ja kui teine ütleb, et loomulikult mine, siis ma ütlen vastuseks ahastunult: "aitäh ja VABANDUST!!")
Ka täna kusagil ema abistades suutsin "vabandust" öelda, mis siis, kui ma poleks pidanud seda ütlema... MIKS ma seda kõike teen ma ei tea. isegi purjus peaga ei suuda ma seda välja mõelda, mis siis, et tavaliselt purjalik suudan ma palju paremini endast aru saada, kui kaine peaga. go figure...

* I'm half way with my 1 litre Muskat rose wine. I don't usally drink alone. Actually I never do it. Because if I would it would give my mom the creeps. My grandpa (mom's dad) was a drunkard. As I understand my mom hated it. I don't know my grandpa since he died before I was born I think. But I do know all the feelings my mom goes through when someone drinks and can't stop. I'm not this kind of a person. Usually I drink with people. I think it's the third time I drink on my own right now. First time was when I wanted to drink one certain wine but there was no-one who I could drink it with. So I dranbk it all my own. The second time was when I had too many alcohol in my fridge and I needed to get rid of it before someone notices it. The alcohol was left-overs from some party I think. jaanilaupäev?... anyway then I drank 1 beer all on my own. OH MY GOD!! right? xDD
and then the third time is today. I'm planning to drink the whole 1 litre wine today. I'm drunk already I know it. The wine tastes good. And I'm already thinking oh noes, I can only have one more glass before it's all gone.. crap...

* Why does my wine look so orange? like someone has put brandy into the glass and squizzed an orange into it?!

* Right now when I got to the toilet and saw myself in the mirror I'm not what I would wish to look at in the mirror. I would wish for a nice face with gentle eyes. I see sad eyes with sullen face. Is everything I'm writing down so painful? I don't feel it right now. Alcohol has it's own ways of smoothing the pain. Would I have to make this post as "private" tomorrow when I'm sober and can think clearly? If this post is still see-able after tomorrow then it means I'm doing everything correctly tonight and I'm not ashamed tomorrow... what you see/read is what you get...

* OMG, I'm dancing after Pjotr Tchaikovsky "Russian dance"... I'm dancing after a classique? what is happening to me?!?! (if a dancing can be called as swinging your upper-body left-right really heavily)

* It's weird, I'm talking with Indrek and Edgar online and I feel how I can trust them no matter what. I know them really little. With Edgar I have talked only 3 times, with Indrek about 7 times. Yet with both I feel I can trust them my life. Edgar because he lives in Latvia and Indrek because I know he is interested in me... Is it the result of alcohol or is it the result of something else?

* Obviously I'm out of the real/true stuff to talk about hence the previous "sections" have been ramblings... ... I think the wine has finally got me... If only my internet will get me too... I have Kõu which is Estonian's energy internet.. It sucks big time.. I don't even remember anymore why I got it... come on WORK!!!

* Mis paneb sind rääkima võhivõõraga teisest riigist? On see on ühine minevik? On see ühine skype'i vestlused? On see ühine - OMG me oleme koos online!! ? Mis on see mis paneb sind rääkima talle oma ootustest, probleemidest, elust-olust? ... lol mees laulis mulle läbi skype'i... ma tõepoolest ei tahaks midagi kommenteerida, aga hääl oli hea ja tal polnud vist õrna aimugi, et vastassoo esindajale laulmine (ja enne seda on ta mulle ka luuletust lugenud läbi skype'i) võib tähendada nii mõndagi xD hea, et mees on selline muhe tegelane. muidu oleks ma vist esimese lauluvärsi peale disconnect vajutanud xD

Clearly I overthought yesterday. It's one of the things I'm really skilled at.
haven't overthought like that for ages now. which is why today it continued and still is continuing. I'm trying to get normal again, I really am.. or am I?
sometimes when I brake down like that in my subconciousness I'm hoping that someone will come and save me. Someone who will make everything ok again. I don't trust myself. I'm not strong enough to get myself out of this shit really fast. sure sooner or later I will be normal again, but usually it takes days. I'm trying to change into normal person again mostly after I get bored being this pitiful-person. yet the boredom will come into play later.. much later than it should...

so today I ticked around. it's mom's birthday today so I came to my old home to help her. I ticked around. Felt like a blanket was covering my eyes. Tried to socialize. it worked. somehow I managed to trick people into believing I'm alright, even myself for awhile.

Then went to play tennis. Sport is something where you release your energy, right? well I released the wrong energy. about 15-20 minutes in the beginning I played alright and then I broke down. The ticking ended and the blanket fell down. Even Heigo's: "take it easy!" didn't help anymore. Usually it does...
I was everywhere with my emotions. My thoughts ran wild. I was thinking about why everyone in my mom's side of family (my uncles and aunts) have really sharp tounge. Why my dad has a sharp tounge. Why I'm having a sharp tounge. Usually I'm trying to restrict myself with my natural-sharp-tounge, but sometimes when I'm really tired I just let it rip and then I'm hurting people who are with me and I'm hurting myself. Usually I use my sharp-tounge when speaking with myself. Like the days before when the bitch took control over me and thought that I'm a wussy who can never achive anything.

Also the I'm-not-a-small-talk-person-theme came into the play when I was in tennis. I'm looking at how full of smiles Kadri and Heigo are when talking, saw new side of Heigo once again. Kinda secretly one. They talked something, I never understood what, it seemed to be a secret. It doesn't bother me that they talked something that most likely they didn't want to explain. what bothered me was that it all seemed so small-talk yet also secret. How can this be? how can you hush-hush with someone and yet make it as a small-talk?! how is it possible? It's not in my world. it is in theirs. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE?! why can't I comprehend that small-talk + secrets is also possible...

And then I found myself staring at Heigo. Who is this guy?! why is he so familiar like a big brother yet as stranger as one can be?! What is he thinking? How is his philosphy when communicating with his pupils? his friends? his family? his special person? WHO IS HE?!
I was so in my thoughts that apart from startling Kadri who is my good friend, I most likely startled also Heigo. When talking with Kadri he was full of smiles then turning to me his face went serious. It's natural that your facial expressions are the same as with the ones you talk with. When one person (Kadri) makes jokes and laughs all the time then you automatically are also full of smiles and laughter. And when the other (me) is completely in other world with her thoughts and just stares at Kadri and you, your face goes serious since you can't possible smile at the person. It's logical right? But since my thought ran wild I started to think stuff again. childish, stupid, jump-out-of-the-window thoughts.
I think you can call me a party-mood-killer. That's who I was today in tennis. It has happened with me before. I just brake down and sooner or later everyone else are also affected by it and try to keep the mood up. I feel ashamed. Why am I this kind of a person? Why am I doing it? I blame it all on my young age. But it's wrong. People at my age and in other bigger country most likely never are these mood-killers. When they are they are just called emo perhaps...

I feel broken. I don't know how to stop thinking. I just keep continuing thinking and doing stupid things. Like texting Heigo and saying sorry if I startled him as much as I startled Kadri. It was never my intention. WHO CARES MARIT?! Heigo most likely just thought I was having an episode again and that's it. why oh why do you have to go and text him and apologise and just being full of shames and crap?
I don't know how to stop thinking... Should I go to sleep? Should I go and run my heart out in this darkness and then get lost in the woods? should I open the bottle of wine that I have? or drink Sambuca? One is for sure, I can't read for my school today. the thought of reading something right now is so alien. perhaps I don't want to read since it means I might get right back on my track/normal life and someway in my subconciousness I don't want to let go of these feelings. I'm a child with emo-lollipop. I'm licking the lollipop and feeling sad. someone save me...

well that was definitely an experience. My first tennis tournament. Got into best 8! =) sadly right after that lost, but really closely 6:7
Since the pairs were put together by how long we have played. then me, with my 7 month experience in tennis, I got a trainer as a partner... trainer...
It felt a bit awkward at first. Since he was the only trainer who took part in the competition and somehow luck was at my side so I got him as my partner. It was like whole day training for me, since he taught me a lot during our games. How I should position myself what I should do. Later he told me that he didn't play with his full energy since then the others would not have had any chance. Doesn't matter if it was true or not. but the way we did play. Seriously if I would have had someone else as my partner we most likely would not have gotten into the best 8. (out of at least 20 I think) So I was lucky.

There were people who said that it was unfair. That I got a trainer as my partner. But there was nothing I could do. Yet I kinda pulled myself back from the crowd and played the part of a quiet and shy girl. Because if I would have been the loud and cheerful one then I would have provoked the people perhaps to say even louder that it was unfair that I got a trainer as a partner...

It was a wrong choice - being a quiet and shy girl. Would I not have had Kadri with me as a conversation partner in there the atmosphere would have turned really awkward for me. I would have started to think that I'm absolutely no good in talking with people, that I'm not attractive enough to invite people in and let them talk, that in my 23years in life I'm still at the level of a 5 year old, who doesn't know how to be, act, walk and talk when being in the same room with strangers.
All cheers go to Kadri since she was the one who kept me company and not knowingly kept my mood up!

This all rocketed me back to my thought of how miserable I seem to myself sometimes.
I don't know how to act, I don't know how to use right words at right time. sometimes I just stare at someone and think why oh why are we both so quiet now. I have to find something to talk about or my partner will leave me soon. but what? I don't understand why I can't do this small-talk thingy that many people who surround me are so good at. Most of the time when I talk I talk about reasonable things, I ask something serious, I try to figure out something, I try to analyze things. It's like today. My partner was sitting opposite me. We talked about tennis. My questions were all about tennis, tennis technique, tennis partners, tennis competitions, tennis trainers in tennis competitions... and then suddenly quietness. It all felt so awkward for me. I started to think really fast what else to ask from him. since if it's too quiet then soon he will leave and then I'm all alone again and I don't want to be alone. I never want to be alone. I always need someone with me. always...
To keep conversation going I should have started to small-talk. But I'll never small-talk since I don't know how. It always feels so awkwardly out of place when I small-talk. So I most of the time never small-talk. And it makes me so sad, since small-talk = long lasting conversation = good mood.

Perhaps that's why when I meet people who small-talk a lot I take them too seriously. I start to think they really mean what they are saying and giving away with they body language. Like my trainer Heigo. Most of the time he's just small-talking. Yet I find myself often in the position where I wish it wouldn't be a small-talk. That he actually would remember what he said after two hours. Every detail. Because that's what I do. I remember most of the things we have been talking about in our training even after 3 hours. I take him too serious and it's my doom, since sometimes my emotions are hopping really heavily around 'cause of that. When that time comes I often think that I should end with tennis so I wouldn't have to see him anymore. But what I don't realize is that it's not him, it's me and my seriousness that make the way for me to doom.

For example today. He called to ask how the tournament is going (hell it was his fault I ended up in the tournament and I took Kadri with me...). So we talked. He asked if I was enjoying it, how it all went, what score did I get, what score did Kadri get, that he just ended his tennis (after I asked if he is coming to the after-party of the tournament). In the end I said: "Come to the after-party then we can share our tournament-emotions with you". it sounded like an invitation, right? so he said perhaps he will, he will think about it.
Right after it he called Kadri. And asked about the tournament from Kadri. also what score did Kadri get, although I told it already just before.
so after Kadri left I washed, drank tea and after hearing how everyone were leaving and food and drinks are all gone already I decided to go home. But since I kinda invited Heigo I needed to tell him that I'm not there anymore. Called him. He answered with such a tired voice. Once again I took him too seriously. Since I offered him that he should come to the after-party and he said maybe he will, then I took it as "yes I will!". So I was mildly saddened by the voice. He did say though that he was at one point seriously thinking of coming to the after-party. what I'm trying to say here is that I took my commitment too seriously once again. I was sitting, drinking my tea, trying to figure out what I should ask from my trainer-partner next AND in the same time was waiting for Heigo.
Heigo in the other hand was still in yes-no decision about coming or not. and most likely taking a nap on his couch xD
It's just he was taking my suggestion/offer as a small-talk. I was taking it seriously.

I need to start small-talking and also I need to take all the small-talkers not very seriously. Only then may I find my peace in this world.


Recently more often the thought of going back to South-Korea has crossed my mind. And I haven't been in Estonia even a year yet... South-Korea - the place where no-one knows me, where I can start all over again with my life. Where I can be the woman I actually want to be. A place that will give me really-needed life-lessons. Where I have to get on by my own. Money, friends, relationships. I'm pretty sure that once I have been in South-Korea for about 3 years and when I come back I will be independent. something I have wished my all life, but since I don't have a job I'm not independent at all. As a bonus I will know exactly how small-talk works after being at least 3 years in South-Korea. I know how to use it, I will use it wisely, and I will not take other small-talkers so serious anymore.
There are a lot of daydreams I dream, but recently in one of them I'm in South-Korea because of work. I'm doing great, I'm playing tennis in South-Korea, I'm also taking taekwondo lessons, and I'm fluent in korean. also I'm rarely at home since I need to be outside parting with my friends or making new work-relationships work. I'm a really active person. This is who I actually want to be. But in Estonia there are so many things that restrict me. so many things because of what I pull myself back and take the role as a quiet and shy girl with low self-esteem.

holy crap... what am I doing...
I managed to subscribe myself for tomorrows tennis tournament. it's going to be in pairs. and I will get a random person as my partner.. I have never played in pairs. and me and tournaments do not fit together since I'm usually a nervous wreck during competition... I'm doomed... the person who has to play with me is doomed... holy crap!!!

(am really excited how this all turns out. yes I know it's totally opposite with the emotions I just wrote before. But I really am excited. We will lose, but I hope my partner doesn't mind it much. I hope I can get a lot of experience tomorrow. this is exactly what I need to advance in my skills faster! =))

In my dreams I bought toiletpaper. lots and lots of toiletpaper... ?!

new picture at http://jabway525.blogspot.com
It's a baby!! and he has only one aunt and that's me!!
*is proud to be the only aunty the little guy has. I can be the best aunty in the world!!

Too many things to do for school.
Every day I need to remind myself why I decided to continue my studies. I hate writing stuff. why oh why did I decide to continue tortuing myself?

am thinking of going for a run today. besides studing.
and I also want to check out the new shoppingcenter Solaris.
and then I want world peace and someone who does all these schoolworks for me.
oh and since I'm on the roll now. I want the freaking muffin-party to happen already!!...


ok here is the deal. this week everything seems so hectic. I don't know 100% my plans yet. what I'm doing on thursday or on friday. or wednesday. and saturday/sunday are a no, since Maarja is in Tartu then.
So my fellow muffin-party-wishers.
let's make it a clear date now.
NEXT WEEK. Let's say WEDNESDAY!
RIGHT AFTER SCHOOL?! (your school not mine) (and right after school, because school is already half way to my place. some of you *köhh-Annika-köhh* have to go way in the other side of the city if she goes home and then needs to come back the same way to come to my place..)

this and that world are so different...

I'm talking about my life in Tallinn at home and with people I have got to know more this year
and the other world is Pärnu then. totally different universe.

In Pärnu I lost control over myself. I started to argue with dad, sticked my nose to things that weren't mine, bad thoughts came to my mind, I was lost, scared. what the hell was I doing?! why did I break down? why did I break down so easily?! I didn't like how I felt in Pärnu. I felt like a small kid again. Someone who you can't trust.
and then once I was back in Tallinn...

totally different world. I was back to my old me. I knew what I was doing, I knew how to talk with people. I found my calmness again. and of course I'm back to my old habit again - tennis and workout.

went running yesterday with Heigo. My idea of the running -> I'm running on my pace and I meet him later in the court where people do stretching and stuff. and there he will show me couple of exercises and that's it. boy was I wrong or what.
first we ran on his pace which was.. fast...
then we jumped and jumped and.. jumped... his idea of the jumping was: "nice to rest"... rest?! please please do look up the word RESTING from somewhere Heigo. this was not resting. I was pretty tired after jumping. but whoo, that was just the beginning.
after jumping we ran some more... his pace again.. I felt a cramp coming. "I can do it. no I will not be a child who will give up just after a crap has hit her leg. NO!! I can run with a cramp, yes sir, I can!!" (my thoughts)
Heigo: "A bit more!" "Almost there!" (he freaking started to tell that already when we only had half way behind us. And I believed him that we are almost there, since I never run in that direction.. so I really didn't know how long the road was till the court. I pushed myself alright... it was the first time I actually felt something in my heart. I never feel anything when I do exercises. I know I have to be careful, but this really was the first time I felt something. it was really short and not painful. just weird. but now I know where my limist are I believe and I need to stick with them. I shouldn't go over the limits just in case =) or I will get yelled at later in the hospidal or something. no need for that xD)

so we ran to the courts.
and wolla, we started to do stretching, push-ups, belly-muscle (?), more jumping, kangaroo-jumping (really bad, I really do not know how to do it...), jaw-pulling (??? xDD). the later was a joke. I have never managed to do it. never. and he's like: "just do it..." ... ?!?!... well fine I tried. managed to pull max couple of cm and I was dead tired xD .. second try was when he pushed me up so I can get the feeling or something. xDD I got the feeling alright. next time when I want to feel the feeling again I most likely need to call him and ask if he can come and push me up again since seriously no way I can do it alone.

there was also a tree covered with car-tires. basically it was a kicking tree. you could kick the tree how many times you wanted and your legs didn't hurt =) so I gave it a go. since I have done ju-jitsu and taekwondo and know a bit how to kick. *BOOM!! ... *BOOM!! ... *BOOM!!
"Your kick is strong. nice!" Heigo says.
turns out the guy has also done some martial arts... is there anything he hasn't done or isn't interested in?!.. so he gave it also a go. *BOOM!! ... *BOOM!! ... *BOOM!! ... loved the balance. I'm suspecting he has done karate.

and then as a cherry on the top of a whipcream we ran back to his car... ran.. when before only one leg had cramp, then now both legs had them. "I can do it I can do it!" (my thoughts) Heigo: "Where are you?!" (I let him run way ahead.) So I needed to pick up the speed. me and my cramped legs. but I did it. I caught him and we ran a bit more till the final stop.


today I woke up with pretty painful legs.
and I needed to play tennis too today. It's amazing. I trying to focus. but someway somehow somwehere in my conciousness I was so tired that although I focused on my play most of the time everything went bad. Heigo was also: "What happened?!" ... no way I'm willing to go with him to run again any time soon xDD

my doings so far:

- came to Pärnu for school
- school was scary. I need to pull myself together and start doing school stuff or I will fail already in this semester...
- met new people in school.
- had 2 days in a row party with the new people.
- got to know nightclub Bravo. kinda big. Sugar is nicer. nice and homy.
- met also a guy in Strand who I have managed to make a good friendship with =)
- sister is in hospidal over a day now. because of the baby. hopefully everything will be alright and I can congratulate fresh mommy and daddy soon. rumors have it that the baby is over 4kg big. it's a giant!!
- am trying to keep my mom out of the news about my sis. there are couple of complications as I understand, but if mom would know them she would most likely get lots of grey hair 'cause of worring. I'm sorry mom for keeping you in the dark, but we can't let you worry. you always take one or two steps further and worry more than it's needed.
- if the baby will be born today then it's kinda weird for me. 26. october is the day when my classmate was born. the one who always made me welcomed in the class. the one who died last year of cancer out of the blue. the baby would always and forever remind me of my classmate most likely.
- am missing tennis so much. tennis and the people who come with tennis. I hope I'm able to go back home soon so I can call trainer and ask when he's free
- am killing time right now in watching tv-shows. have watched recent episodes of Dollhouse, FlashForward, Merlin and Sanctuary. did Supernatural and Fringe skip this week?
- besides the new episodes, ended also Dexter season 2
- AND I started to watch a new korean drama named Iris. Interesting. the lead-character has a nice feeling to him. at least in the first episode.

Selline imelik vestlus tekkis üks hetk, kus suhtest sai koogi küpsetamine. tervitused ja kummardus Indrekule.


Marit ütleb:
oi, aeg on hea. ma küll olen tihti ajaga pahuksis ja tahaks et ta kiiremini tiksuks, aga see tundub juba minu ja aja vaheline kanakitkumine olevat. ühesõnaga, ma ruttan alati. tahaks asju kiiresti teha tihti
indrek ütleb:
kiiremini tiksuks??
Marit ütleb:
no ma ei oskagi öelda. põhimõtteliselt kui kõik on aja taga (a'la koogi küpsetamine, mis kestab 2 tundi), siis sooviks et juba 10 minuti pärast oleks 2 tundi täis, et saaks juba kooki süüa. kui sa nüüd aru saad, mis ma proovin selgitada
indrek ütleb:
sain
Marit ütleb:
sest vaat vahepeal tekivad igasugused kahtlused, et kas panid ikka suhkrut kooki, või kas äkki valisid vale koogi või äkki on aeg ammu ületatud, kuid ahjukell näitab alles 10 minuti möödumist vms
indrek ütleb:
ja siis veel tund mis kulub koogi jahtumise peale et saaks lõigata ja suud ära ei kõrvetaks
Marit ütleb:
vot vot, just.. ning nii ongi, et 2st oodatud tunnist, mille lõppemisel loodad koogi juba suhu pista tuleb ootamatult ette, et pead veel tunni ootama, kuni tulemusi mekkida saad
indrek ütleb:
ja mida kannatlikum olla seda nauditavam tulemus on
Marit ütleb:
aga äkki siis vahepeal leiad retsepti, kus öeldakse, et tunniga saab teha võibolla et isegi maitsvama koogi ja selle ka siis kohe suhu pista, ilma ootamata. oot, millest me üldse rääkisime? st. mis meie pea-teema oli?
indrek ütleb:
kõigest
kõik on peateemad
Marit ütleb:
ahah, nii. ma jooksin oma mõtetega nüüd tupikusse. aita välja, tee mingi teema-ots uuesti lahti palun
indrek ütleb:
arvad et kummaline või
et hea koogi tegemine võtab aega
Marit ütleb:
ei tegelikult ei arva seda. ma pigem vist proovisin öelda, et tohutu usk peab sellesse kooki siis olema. muidu võtavad võimust hirmud, kahtlused või hõrgumad koogi-retseptid.
on ju ka siiski võimalik hea kook lühema ajaga valmis teha. peab ainult oskusi olema

I was kinda blown away when I got a rose today.
a rose.. big, thorny, super-red.. rose!

olen Pärnus, tulin Strand'ist.
varem on mulle selle koha kohta igasuguseid kahtlasi asju räägitud. a'la väga vanad inimesed käivad seal või ainult soomlased...
aga..

pole viga, väga normaalne koht. jah vanemaid inimesi a'la 50seid eksis ka sinna ära, kuid näha oli ka minuvanuseid a'la 20 aastaseid.

Kohtasin oma kadunud sugulast. st. ühte poolt nendest. nad käivad tihti paaris, sest nad on kaksikud ja pagana kenakesed. Minu õnneks kohtasin ma Strand'is just seda poolt, kelle vastu mina mingit tmmet tunnen. imelik, huh? on täpselt identsed kaksikud ja nendest ühe vastu tunned sa hullemat tõmmet ja teise vastu.. no jah, on jah mingi sugulane põhimõtteliselt.

anyway. KERT! taastasime oma ammuse läheduse täna. Esimene asi, kui me laua taha istusime oli rääkida laudkonnale, kuidas ma 4 aastaselt temal järgi käisin ja käest kinni hoidsin xDD
mina ei mäleta midagi.
mina mäletan seda hetke, kui meil lumesõda oli ja minu poolel oli Kert ning kõik kaitsesid mind. Me liked it.
igaljuhul jah, Kert ütles, et kui ma siis temal niiviisi järgi pidevalt käisin ja käest kinni hoidsin, siis ta leidis, et see oli ilmatu armas vms xD
ma lubasin täna pühalikult, et ma enam nii ei tee xD

jah. noh temaga siis edasi rääkides tuli välja, et ta vennaraas Kalle elab Tallinnas. Mõlemad on mootorratta hullud. Kerdil on mootorratta load kauem juba käes. (that's my man!!).. vahetasime numbreid ja otsustasime, et järgmisel suvel läheb sõiduks. mina, Kert ja Kalle. whohooo... can't wait. sellel suvel liikusin ma üksi ringi, järgmisel suvel loodetavasti juba koos 2 inimesega. ja veel kui lahedate (vähemalt Kert on igati lahe). tundub, et mul on siiamaani mingi kindel tõmme Kerdi poole, mis siis, et pärast seda, kui ma 4 või 5 aastane oli nägin ma teda vist järgmisena alles sellel suval vanaisa sünnipäeval. aga ei, tõmme on olemas, ja Kert ise ütles ka mulle, et ma tundun nii sügavalt sugulasena talle. ehk siis mind võib kallistada ja jumal teab mida neutraalset teha ja ta teab, et tegu on sugulasega ja ta teab, et ma ei punni vastu, sest ta teab, et mina tean, et ta on mu sugulane vms. Ühesõnaga, meie vahel on side. selline mõnus lähedane sugulas side. Ootan põnevusega juba järgmise aasta suve.

ps. ta ostis mulle täiesti ootamatult teise klaasi Long Island Ice Tea'd. ütles, et kui ta nägi, mida baarman sinna sisse hakkas valama, siis ta hakkas vaikselt juba raha lugema, et tea, kas tuleb veel välja. aga põhimõtteliselt ma absull ei oodanud, et ta mulle välja teeb vms. Ma lihtsalt soovitasin talle jooki nimega Long Island Ice Tea ja järgmisel hetkel oli täis klaas Long Island Ice Tea'd mu ees. O.O Me loves Kert. Kert is married, but Kert is such an awesome man! Me loves Kert.

ps2. Kui ta rääkis oma nn mootorratta retkest lastekodu juurde. Kus oma 70 mootorratturit käisid lastekodu lapsi ringi sõidutamas. Ta rääkis niivõrd hingest seda. Oli näha, et ta oli liigutatud. Ta ütles, et tema sõidutas üht tüdrukut, kes oli vaimse puudega, kuid see oli tõanäoliselt mõlema jaoks elu parim hetk. Ta silmad särasid ja olid samas nii hellad.

------------------------

ja siis teiseks.
oli inimesi, kes niilisid, oli inimesi, kes katsusid, aga ainult üks peatas mu ja küsis tantsule. mul oli joogiga klaas käes, nii et pidin ära ütlema. teist korda temast mööda minnes ei olnud mul klaas ikka veel tühi nii et pidin ikka pead raputama. aga siis hiljem läksin ektra ja näitasin, et näe klaasi pole, lähme tantsima. tõenäoliselt oli see ka seetõttu et enne seda pidin ma mingi eriti kahtlase tüübiga tantsima ning kui ma pärast seda tüüpi oleks lihtsalt tagasi oma kohale läinud oleks see tähendanud, et ma ole ebasiiras ja ehk isegi valelik. Pealegi midagi oli, mis mind sundis olema endale aus ja minema tagasi inimese juurde ja ütlema, et kõik joodud, lähme nüüd tantsima?
läksimegi tantsima.

Ma ei tea, kas põhjus oli selles, et ma olin Kerdist niivõrd vaimustuses, et mul oli hinge all oma 4 viina kokteili + 2 Long Island Ice Tead või et lihtsalt midagi tõmbas mind tema juurde, kuid meil oli päris lõbus tantsupõrandal.